by

A Light Goes Out

“As women, we are told that to be the guest is to receive. We are told that to be the host is to give. But what if it is the reverse? What if it is the guest who gives to the host and it is the host who receives from the guest each time she sets her table to welcome and feed those she loves?”

When Women Were Birds by Terry Tempest Williams

For many reasons, 2016 had been a year of loss. But as December wound down to a close, I found myself haggling over a life with a higher power I normally don’t believe in.

Don’t take Ray, I pleaded, thinking of the little boy I’d known years ago. The one his mother, Lucie, called “My Special Little” because he came years after her first two children, and really, he was special.

The sweet boy who my parents doted on like a grandchild, who spent many afternoons of his baby and childhood in my parents’ house while Lucie cared for my mother.

Little Ray, we called him, even after he grew up. It was a fitting name, because he was such a beam of light.

I didn’t know how to pray, but I did it anyway.

That’s what you do when the outlook is grim, but you dare to hope. I dared to hope and every night before bed I’d imagine him as a young man, approaching my mother.

They’d embrace, he’d play her a song on his guitar, and then she’d send him back to earth, back to us.

***

The day after I visited him at the hospital, we drove upstate. I checked my phone constantly for news. Nothing. We arrived to so much snow my husband had to drag our luggage from the car on a toboggan. I felt anxious. Fear folded and unfolded in my heart, but I ignored it. I made dinner. We put the kids to bed. I prayed again.

Midmorning the next day, I checked my phone. A message appeared. I took one dragging deep breath and then dropped to my knees on the floor.

It was the day before New Year’s Eve and he was gone.

***

We are all novices in grief. Each time we experience a death, we begin again.

I mentioned this to a friend and she asked me to explain. The only way I can is through parenthood. It’s like having a second or third child. You think you will remember everything. You have the experience stored in your body, in your mind, but with the new child you marvel at every detail, at all you’ve forgotten.

Ray was eighteen years old when he died. I knew him mostly as a baby, as a little boy, and only in passing. I was living in Manhattan when he was born, in Brooklyn when he was growing up. I’d see him on occasion when I’d come home to visit. I’d hear about him from my mother often. She loved talking about Little Ray. He brought her joy, made her smile.

mom-and-ray

When she was dying he came to visit with his mother. I watched him run around the rooms of a house he knew well.

He was a breath of life for her. For all of us.

***

New Year’s came and went. It was 2017 and I realized I never picked a word for the year as I had in the past. A couple days before the funeral, on my drive to therapy, I went through a dozen words. Nope, nope, nope. Nothing worked. It was a raining and the sky was a leaden gray. The wipers squeaked across the windshield.

Life can turn on a dime, Lucie said at the hospital, and I knew this was true. I wanted my word to act like a sponge. I wanted to soak up my life. The good and the bad.

I knew the right word arrived when I felt my eyes prickle with tears as I sounded it out in my mind. Receive. Yes. That was it. I thought about the quote from the memoir I was rereading, When Women Were Birds.

“What if it is the guest who gives to the host and it is the host who receives from the guest?”

If I looked at my life that way, maybe I wouldn’t feel so drained by my children’s incessant needs. Instead of feeling emptied, I could be filled. It’s a choice, I realized. A flip-flop perspective. Receiving love while offering it.

snow-heart

But I knew it wasn’t just love I’d have to be willing to receive.

You don’t get one without that other, messier package: pain, sadness, death.

***

The funeral was terribly hard. In some ways, it hurt more than my mother’s. He was 18 to her 58. Maybe it’s because I had a cushion of shock for hers, or perhaps I shouldn’t compare it because pain can’t be quantified.

I struggled to remain composed during the service, but sobs bubbled up my throat the moment it began. The packed room was muffled with weeping and the occasional gasp of disbelief, all of us wondering the same thing: how had this happened? How could Ray be gone?

Several times I had to remind myself to stay present. I wanted to check out, buffer the pain, but I kept going back. I told myself to stay. To receive.

Listening to his friends speak about him, his girlfriend, his family, it was like meeting him, and losing him, all over again. As I covered my mouth with my fist, I watched the people who loved and knew him best stand up at the podium and honor him with words and music, through tears and laughter.

Many said they could feel his presence in the room. Grief and love washed over me in equal measure.

At one point, a woman silently offered me a pack of tissues. Thank you, I whispered, and she nodded. In that moment I loved her.

We were all connected in that room, every one of us, strangers, friends, family, because of Ray.

From behind the podium, Lucie implored us to hold onto the love and peace her son embodied. Love each other, she said, and we did.

I weep for our loss, and the world’s.

I love you Little Ray.
Thank you for shining your sweet light on my family.
We will always hold you in our hearts.

me-and-ray

34 thoughts on “A Light Goes Out”

  4. Such a beautifully written piece about the most tragic of situations. There really are no words that’ll make you feel better. I do love your word for the year, because you’re totally right, you can’t have one without the other. Huge hugs xx

    Like

    Reply

  5. I’m so sorry for your loss. So incredibly sad to lose a life so young. Your parenthood explanation is a perfect way to explain how we experience death each time. Sending warm thoughts your way.

    Like

    Reply

  9. A beautuful trubute to Ray, and although his light was in your world for such a short time. You will never forget the gifts he gave you in life and will continue to give you even through grief. I hope my book “Courage” may offer some support for Ray’s parents and for you too Dana. Much love and peace 💕
    Karen

    Like

    Reply

  11. Dear Dana, I have been remembering Ray all day and thinking of his momma. And thinking of you and your momma. I got nothing, no words, just space in my heart for each of you. Thank you for sharing Ray, I will remember him. This was our 7th holiday season without Justin, I can’t seem to get out from under the cold and damp blanket that it wraps us in, it usually takes until the end of January to be free of its weight. Holding you each close.

    Like

    Reply

    • Oh, Terri, thank you. I am so grateful to be on the receiving end of your kindness and compassion. I’m sending you love for the cold and damp of this month without your dear boy. xo

      Like

      Reply

  12. There is so much here. So much pain, love, loss, insight. I’m so sorry for your loss and so grateful for your gift with words. Wishing peace to your heart and to the hearts of those who a grieving Ray. I’m very sorry, Dana. So sorry.

    Like

    Reply

  13. Oh Dana, I was shocked and saddened to read this. Gene and I remember when Ray was born. Our hearts are broken for Lucie and you and your family. If you can, would you PM me with an address where we can send our condolences to Lucie? Thank you for sharing this lovely tribute.

    Like

    Reply

  14. This is so heartbreaking, Dana. What really got to me was your word, though. Because for the past 5 years I feel like I just give give give all of myself every single day, and just that simple shift in perspective is so powerful. Especially juxtaposed with the death of a child. Each day really is a gift. Our children are a gift, only with is for a brief time, whether it’s life or death that takes them away. ❤

    Like

    Reply

    • Thank you so much, Tara. The way the mind works, how this word rose up and came to me, kind of blows me away. I will try to keep remembering my own words, b/c some days us mamas really need the reminders.

      Like

      Reply

  15. I was waiting for a free minute to read this. So beautiful and heart wrenching. I am so sorry for your loss. Little Ray sounded like a an amazing guy! I do believe in a higher power, and I hope you don’t mind me saying this: I believe your Mom is in Heaven. And I’m most certain she greeted Ray with open arms upon his arrival too!

    Val

    ________________________________

    Like

    Reply

    • Oh Val, you’re so kind. Thank you for reading this and getting to know Ray through my words. I like that you believe Ray and my mom are in heaven. I truly hope you are right. xo

      Sent from my iPhone

      >

      Like

      Reply

  16. What a great tribute to this person. He sure was loved by many. I want to give you now many virtual hugs. My thought are with you & your special lost friend.
    I didn’t know that you also lost your beloved mother a while ago. My thoughts are with you, dear Dana! xxx

    Like

    Reply

  17. I am so sorry for your loss. I experienced a loss during the same time this past year and I purposely came to your post late as I didn’t know if I was ready to absorb your words. For me, new grief uncovers past losses, unearthing what I try to avoid. This is a beautiful tribute and thank you for writing what I needed to hear. xo

    Like

    Reply

    • Oh, Rudri, I’m so sorry for your loss. New griefs always do uncover and stir up old ones… this especially for me, since Ray was/is so connected to my mom. Thank you for reading. xo

      Like

      Reply

Leave a reply to Dana Cancel reply